'Extreme' Punishment

I was watching the news this morning and heard about a mother who put up a picture of her daughter with a red X over her mouth on the daughter's facebook page as punishment for being disrespectful toward her mother.  The caption for the photo said that the daughter would no longer be allowed on facebook or her cell phone and encouraged viewers of the picture to ask why, as the daughter was required by her mother to answer all requests for further information.  This was vilified along with the dad who put 9 rounds into his daughter's laptop because she was disrespectful toward him on facebook.  Both examples were called extreme punishments.

I had to laugh because the end result was the same for both girls.  They admitted that what they had done was wrong and that being punished the way they were made them understand that they couldn't act the way they had.  So the so called 'extreme' punishment changed the behavior of the girls.

When the story about the dad was first on the news, I remember hearing 'experts' calling the father's behavior abusive toward his daughter.  I heard the same thing this morning with the mom and facebook.  It seems to me that every time a parent tries to discipline a child, society calls it 'abuse'.

Here's my question: if I'm not allowed to spank my child and I'm not allowed to use methods that may be deemed as 'extreme' to curb the disrespectful and cruel behavior my child is exhibiting, then what do you want me to do?  It's not acceptable for the child to be rude and disrespectful to other people.  It's not acceptable to have a child in public that can't control his impulses when he's over the age of five or six.  So what's left for me to do?  Put the child in the 'time out' corner?  Once a kid reaches those teenage years, the 'time out' corner doesn't work anymore.

I think that discipline should be loving and structured and, in some cases, extreme.  Children need to learn that certain behavior is not only unacceptable but inexcusable as well.  If my daughter called me horrible names on facebook, I might do the exact same thing the mother on the news did.  It got through to the child didn't it?

Discipline should be consistent and never given in a moment of anger.  I'm not saying that we should all beat our kids with belts because that's what they deserve.  A child should never have a mark left on his body because of a punishment.  But spanking a toddler because he's doing something that could be potentially dangerous is completely different.  If I tell 2.0 to leave the electrical socket alone and he goes back to stick his finger in it, I spank his little rear end and take him away from the socket.  I also explain to him that the socket could kill him if he sticks his finger in it.  Does he understand at this point?  No.  But it's good practice for me so that I'll have the habit of explaining the punishment to him when he does understand.

When 2.0 bites me (and it's obvious that it's willful and not an indication of hunger), I bite back.  I don't bite hard enough to break the skin or even leave a mark, just hard enough for him to feel the edge of my teeth against his skin so he knows not to do it again.  And you know what?  He doesn't bite me anymore out of frustration.  I don't think that's abusive or 'extreme'.  If 2.0 bites another kid, he or she will bite back and will not show restraint.

Maybe society should stop telling parents how to discipline.  What they tell us to do obviously doesn't work.  Have you seen the way some children act today?  That's society at work for you.

The Daily Grind

I'm amazed at how different things are now compared to just a year ago.  It's not just the big things that I'm talking about (look who's running all over the apartment now?), but the little things that amaze me these days.

Grocery shopping has changed dramatically.  I used to carry a tiny infant in a car seat carrier to the store, place him in the cart, and shop until he got fussy and we needed to go home.  Now, I carry a toddler in with me, put him in the seat in the cart (where he promptly changes position from facing me to looking out at the store), and am lucky if I get a quarter of the grocery shopping done before he gets mad that he can't run all over the store with me.

I used to snap that same carrier into the stroller and wheel him into the library, where he would look at the books in amazement if he wasn't snoozing.  Now, I strap him into the stroller, wheel him directly to the children's section, hand him a book, and then rush through scanning the shelves before he starts getting loud and I get funny looks.  If only I'd let him walk, that's what he seems to say to me.

When it was time to eat, I used to breastfeed.  We'd cuddle up on the sofa and spend some quality time together, just us two.  Now, he's in a high chair, feeding himself, and throwing food on the floor for his furry sister to clean up.

I used to go to the bathroom alone.  Now I have a visitor who tries to climb into the tub or toss his toys in the toilet or unroll the toilet paper down the hallway and into the living room.  I used to know where everything was, but that changed dramatically when 2.0 started picking things up and running away with them, shoving them under the couch or behind the TV or in the laundry hamper or throwing them over the baby gate into the kitchen.

The daily grind used to be so easy, so predictable.  Now it's never the same twice.

I'm finding that I really like it that way.  :)

Asthmatic Unknown

As a parent, there's nothing scarier than watching your child struggle to breathe.  To watch his little chest flutter up and down, to see the skin at the sides of his ribs sucked inward like he's attached to a vacuum cleaner.  To hear the sound of rustling paper that accompanies every single shallow breath, to see the lack of energy he has because he simply can't get enough oxygen to power the little legs that want to walk from one side of the room to the other to get into trouble.  It's even scarier when it happens twice.

Last month, 2.0 had RSV and required nebulizer treatments to loosen up his lungs so he could cough and eventually breathe again.  He was better in a week and I thought we'd dodged a bullet.

Then last week he started to wheeze again.  But this time it was accompanied with no desire to eat and drink and a lethargy that my son has never had.  He simply wanted to sleep all the time, but he couldn't breathe so instead he laid on the floor, crying, or in my lap, crying.  He simply couldn't be comforted.  He wouldn't walk or talk or play.  It was horrible.

I freaked out, called the doctor, and he was put back on his nebulizer treatments, along with two doses of steroids a day for five days.  Once again, he hates the nebulizer treatments, but he's now walking around again, trying to talk, falling off the couch and cutting his lip, knocking over a bar stool.  All of it with a wheezy cough and the skin at his sides that sucks in like he's in that vacuum cleaner.

We don't know what's wrong.

It's not RSV again, at least that's what the doctor told us today.  The most likely culprit is asthma.  Maybe asthma associated with seasonal allergies that would require him to need nebulizer treatments during the spring and fall.  Maybe full blown asthma that he'll have forever or asthma that he'll outgrow.

All I can think about is those first six weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant and kept smoking anyway.  The first few months when my husband kept smoking but tried to keep it away from me.  Those cool spring days when I didn't think he needed a coat and he probably did.  

It's horribly scary to watch 2.0 suffer with this whole thing.  I hate listening to him scream while I hold a mask to his face for the breathing treatments.  I cringe inside when I hear a little wheeze in his lungs or watch him take a moment too long to play or pull himself back up to stand because he can't catch his breath.  

We still don't have any answers, but at least what we're doing is making him feel better.

The Mommy Wars

Apparently a very stupid woman appeared on television and said that Ann Romney never worked a day in her life and didn't know how to handle economic things like how to feed her kids.  For those of you who were under a rock (or were like me and dealing with a sick child, which was infinitely more important than watching a stupid woman on television), Ann Romney is a stay at home mom of five.

Now that 2.0 is feeling a little better (more on what's going on with him on Saturday after we see the doctor again), I was able to see the actual interview where this not so intelligent woman spoke and I must say I was enraged.

I'm a stay at home mom and I did work part time outside the home before deciding to stay home with my child.  Let me tell you that I work harder now than I have ever worked in my entire life.  I've worked jobs that demanded 60 and 70 hour work weeks (10-12 hour days, six days a week) and I've worked jobs that were very physically demanding (you try wrestling a 120 pound saint bernard to the floor to cut his nails), but this job of being 2.0's mom is the most physically demanding and emotionally taxing job ever.

I've written a post about being a stay at home mom.  I work 24/7 without sick days or vacation days.  I'm lucky if I get to go to the bathroom by myself, let alone take a lunch break.  I'm on call when my son is not in my care and I always wonder if he's okay without me.  I count his calories when I probably should count mine and I try to make sure that he gets as much fresh air and exercise as he can stand.  When he's sick in the middle of the night, I'm up with him at the cost of my own rest while my husband sleeps because he works so much.  During the day, I balance running errands with nap times and meal times.

When another woman tries to say that a stay at home mom doesn't know about economic things like how to feed her kids, I see a woman who doesn't know what it means to be a mom full time.  I know about economic things.  I know that I have more month at the end of my money most months and I try to balance nutrition with cost.  Believe me, I know about sacrificing financially so I can be where I am.  I know about figuring out the cost of a pack of diapers right down to how much each diaper is.  I know about balancing budgets for food.  I'm sure that a stay at home mom could balance America's budget where so many 'experts' can't seem to do it at all.

So here's what I say about that stupid woman who got on TV and stuck her foot in her mouth:
Shame on you.  Shame on you for thinking that being the protector of my child makes me less than you because you have a career.  Shame on you for creating a wedge between moms who work outside the home and moms who work inside of it.  Shame on you for making those of us who can stay home feel like we're so small and you are so much greater.

Now I have to change a diaper, give a breathing treatment, go out and pick up medicine, then come back in time to get my husband from work and make his dinner.  It's time to go to work.

Primary Care

I finally found a primary care doctor that takes my insurance and sees more than just 10 medicaid patients a month.  It was hard to find and I wasn't sure we'd even like the doctor.  After a general practitioner that was rather bland as far as personality goes and didn't have time to answer questions and another family practice doctor that we loved but had to leave behind in Wisconsin, I think I had rather high expectations.

Our new doctor met every one of those expectations and then some.  He is willing to see both my husband and I together for appointments instead of making us go in one at a time.  He liked having our son in the exam room while he checked us over and didn't mind having to talk over the babble of a one year old.  He didn't make me feel bad about the horrible weight gain I've had (324 pounds is too heavy and needs to be stopped immediately).  But the best thing was when he looked at Nate's severe psoriasis and said "oh my God that's really bad!".  He said we would absolutely have to see a dermatologist and he prescribed medication for Nate to take until then.

The new doctor doesn't have much of a personality.  That was a shame to me.  He definitely isn't like my OB, who has a sense of humor like mine.  He's more like our son's pediatrician; right down to business with time to answer questions.  He's very patient too.  That's helpful.

Now I just have to get back on my diet and start working out and maybe that weight will fall off like it did before...

Anger Management And Toddlerhood

I've had an anger problem for a very long time.  I tend to blow up easily and get frustrated quickly.  It's not a part of my personality that I like and I'm working very hard to manage my anger better.  When I first found out I was pregnant, one of the things I was the most afraid of was harming my child in my anger.  Dealing with a newborn baby and the lack of sleep and crying with no sign of stopping and everything that goes with it (including horribly dramatic hormonal changes) was a huge challenge for me.  There were times I would lay my screaming child on the floor and walked away for a minute, just long enough to make sure I wasn't going to harm him.  Every mom needs a time out sometimes and I took mine.

Now that I have a toddling toddler who gets into EVERYTHING and throws his toys around and tries to chew on my phone and laughs at me when I tell him 'no', I'm finding the same challenges are coming back to haunt me.  Sometimes I need a timeout.

2.0 likes to turn on the DVD player and play with the buttons, making the tray slide in and out.  Yesterday, he played with the buttons and a DVD got stuck in the tray.  It wasn't my DVD (came from the library) and I was very irritated.  My goal to not discipline my child in anger was pushed a little bit.

It's not easy to manage something like my anger when I'm dealing with my child.  He doesn't understand that what he's doing is wrong.  He doesn't understand that he shouldn't play with the DVD player or throw his blocks over the little wall we have erected to keep him out of the kitchen.  He doesn't know that tossing all the clothes out of the hamper just makes more work for Mama.  He definitely doesn't know that throwing the food Mama took a lot of time preparing on the floor hurts Mama's feelings.

I have to remember that this time is precious because it won't last forever.  His babyhood went by so fast and before I knew it, I had a little boy instead of a little baby.  Now he wants to walk everywhere and make noise in the library and I have to let him.  I have to watch over him, not smother him.  But I also need to remember that his actions are not worthy of my anger.  Even when it drives me crazy.

In Preparation For Separation Anxiety

All the books I've read have told me that the two week episode of separation anxiety 2.0 had when he was about eight months old is going to repeat for us in about two months or so.  Personally I think the books are wrong because I'm seeing signs of it starting now.

Up to this point I've been the one with the separation anxiety.  Is my child okay?  Is he being loved and cared for like I would care for him?  Does he miss me?  Does he need me?  Will someone let me know as quickly as possible if something bad happens to him?  Does he understand that I'll be right back for him as soon as I possibly can?  Those were the questions that plagued me and ultimately led me to be a stay at home mom.

Now that 2.0 is older, I'm getting more comfortable leaving him with other caregivers while I'm gone.  I don't have as hard a time of leaving him in the nursery when I'm at church and if I need someone to watch him for an hour or two while I run an errand or go to an appointment, I'm okay.  My mom watched him last week for a whole day while my husband and I were in Iowa City and he was great.

Then today I left him with his dad to help a friend and wouldn't you know that little boy became a leg cling-on? I almost took him with me.  When he walks up to me and grabs my jeans, looking up at my face with that panicked expression that asks 'are you really going somewhere without me?' makes it really hard to leave him behind.

I was in the shower with the bathroom door closed and 2.0 stood outside almost the entire time banging on the door, sobbing, even though his father was home and calling his name.  Nate even picked 2.0 up, carried him away from the door to play on the floor and that little boy got up, walked over to the bathroom door again, and started the whole process over.  It is definitely getting hard to leave him again.

I'm reminding myself that this too shall pass and he's going to be fine without me.  This is important for both of us because he needs to understand that I am a separate person from him and I need to learn to let him go or I'm going to hover over him on his first date as a teenager and how productive will that be?

Still, sometimes it's nice to know that he loves me so much that he doesn't want me to leave him.  It's very nice to be so vital to someone else.