A Big Change Ahead

Yesterday my husband and I went to the University of Iowa hospitals in Iowa City, IA.  For those of you who are not familiar with the Quad City area, it was just shy of a hour drive to get to this hospital.  We went there because the doctors there are the best in the state in dealing with my husband's condition.  A lot is going to change in the next few weeks.

My husband has an eye condition called keratoconus.  His corneas are thin, which has caused his eye to take on a shape like a football instead of a basketball.  It has caused him to be legally blind in his right eye and has taken away his ability to drive amongst other things.  If left untreated, eventually he could go blind completely in both eyes.  Our trip to the hospital was to see about getting him fitted for the special contact lenses he has to wear to correct the shape of his eye.  We also spoke with a cornea specialist about the condition of his corneas.

The only way to correct the right eye is with a cornea transplant.  Otherwise the best vision my husband will have out of that eye is 20/50.  It's just not good enough.  So the doctor said that he wants to do a partial cornea transplant.  In 6 weeks.

The rejection rate is 1-2% with a partial transplant as the part that rejects is the part that my husband would keep.  He wouldn't be able to work for two weeks after the procedure and he wouldn't be able to do any heavy lifting or strenuous activity for three months after.  The sutures would stay in for a year (there are no blood vessels in the cornea so the tissue takes a little longer to heal) and after that, he would be fitted for a new contact lens to finish the correction of the vision.  We'd have to possibly have the procedure repeated in about ten or twenty years and my husband would have to use steroid drops in his eye for the rest of his life.  

But he'd be able to see.  He'd be able to drive again and go back to school.  He'd be able to do the things he does now just a little bit better.  He'd be able to watch our son pedal a bike down the street and go after him.  He'll actually be able to see.

It's a wonderful thing.  But it's also scary and overwhelming...

So much to do before May 17th.  But this will be good.  It's a beginning.  

The Grandpa He Never Knew

Twenty years ago tomorrow was the day that my father was killed in a tragic plane crash in Oklahoma City.  It's hard to believe that twenty years have passed since that day.  When I was eleven, right after my dad passed away, I thought about what it would be like to look back after twenty years and I couldn't imagine this day.

Last year was especially hard for me because I was on maternity leave with a very young baby and I was a mess of hormones.  I was crying at the drop of a hat about nothing, so I'm not really sure if I was upset because of the anniversary or if I was just upset.

This year, I'm watching my toddler walk around my apartment and I catch myself thinking that I wish my dad was here to see this.  I wish my dad was here to see my little boy smile and laugh and tackle his furry sister and pick up his ball to toss around.  I wish my dad could be here to push him in the swings and prop him up on his shoulders to bounce him around as he walks.  I wish my dad could see the next generation of his bloodline continue on past him.

Every time I think about that, a little part of me still hurts.

When I tell 2.0 about the grandpa he has waiting in heaven to meet him, I try to focus on what I can still remember about him.  Time may heal some wounds, but time takes away the memory of precious moments that you thought you'd never forget when the moment was upon you but now you can't remember the details of.  I find myself trying to remember what my dad looked like and how his voice sounded.  I can't really remember it anymore.

So what I tell my son is probably warped and twisted in a good way.  I probably remember things that didn't actually happen quite like I think they did.  My dad probably wasn't as wonderful a man as I try to think of him as.  No one is perfect.  But as far as 2.0 will know, that's what his grandpa was.

He'll only know that his grandpa was a caring gentle man who loved football, cheetos, and spaghettios.  He'll know his grandpa smiled a lot and didn't know the difference between cottage cheese and cheddar cheese (because it's all cheese right?).  He'll know that his grandpa would've loved him very much and still looks down from heaven to smile at him.  He'll know that his grandpa is proud of him.

I don't think about what's not here.  I think about what is.

Twenty years later, that's the most important thing.

The Mom Survival Guide: The Products Every Mom Needs To Survive

When I found out I was pregnant with 2.0, I started reading every single book I could get my hands on about pregnancy and birth and what my son's first year was going to be like.  I wanted to be as prepared as I possibly could and wanted to know what stuff was essential since I don't have an unlimited baby buying budget.  I wanted to know what I could buy used and what had to be new, what I could borrow and what I wouldn't want to part with.  Now I'm going to share with you the products you need as a mom to make it through the first year and possibly even beyond.

1. A Rocking Chair: A must have for every mom on the face of the planet.  It has to be comfortable and sturdy and lightweight as you'll probably move it from one room to another.  You need to be able to sit in it for several minutes (maybe even hours if you have a colicky baby) and still feel comfortable.  If you're tall like me, you need a chair that doesn't sit too low to the ground so you can get up easily with your arms full of baby.  My rocking chair was the best gift I was given (thanks Mom!) and it's very sturdy and lightweight.  With a pillow in the small of my back, it's also the most comfortable seat in the house.
2. A Boppy Pillow:  Even if you don't breastfeed, you need a pillow to help take the weight off your arms while your child is feeding.  While a Boppy is not required (there are plenty of other nursing pillows out there and you should find one you are comfortable with), you may want to consider buying brand specific.  I used my boppy (courtesy of Karrie Morris) to help 2.0 get comfortable on his tummy and exercise those core muscles.  I also use it still today to prop him up in his crib when he's congested.  
3. A Really Good Bra:  I breastfed my child until he was about nine months old.  In that time frame, my breasts hurt something horrible.  I needed a bra that would support them while I was nursing and especially after I stopped.  As a plus size woman, I wear Cacique from Lane Bryant.  You get what you pay for when it comes to foundation garments, so my bras are something I save up for and wait for sales to purchase.  They last forever.  Even if you don't nurse your child, your breasts will go through changes in those first few months that will require them to need extra support.  So skip the cutesy stuff for a little while and give your girls the support they need (even at night!).
4. A Pacifier Your Child Actually Likes:  Some of you are saying "but I'm not going to use a pacifier for my child".  I used to be one of you and let me just say this: your child will need to suck on something to find comfort in the first year.  If it's not a pacifier, it will be a thumb or fingers.  If you're okay with that, more power to you.  I wasn't.  So I went out before 2.0 was born and bought a few different pacifiers. I bought the gumdrop pacifier and 2.0 hated it.  I then gave him the Nuk by Gerber and that's the only one he'll take now.  Find something that works and don't change it.  2.0 still uses a Nuk when he goes to bed or is in a situation he's not familiar with.  It helps to soothe him and I'm all for a happy baby.  Don't be surprised if there's a 'magic paci' either.  2.0 had one pacifier that he preferred over all others for about two weeks and if I didn't have that particular paci, his world didn't make sense.
5. A Pacifier Clip So You Don't Lose Said 'Magic Paci': I didn't have one of these until it was too late, but I wish I'd had one, especially in those first few months when 2.0 would fall asleep with his paci in his mouth and it would fall to the ground where I would have a hard time finding it.  This is just a good product to keep your wits about you in a screaming baby crisis.
6. A Good Diaper Bag: Think about this scenario: You have a two year old child who is not potty trained yet.  You no longer carry a purse because...well why carry more than you have to?  Now look down at the diaper bag you're carrying in your mind.  Chances are that you don't want a diaper bag two years after your child is born that looks like a pastel nightmare of blue or pink with little ponies all over it.  I have a black Jeep diaper bag that I loved when I got it, but has since started to fall apart.  It has tons of pockets and space inside, so while it's not holding up to the amount of abuse I've put it through, I'm probably going to get another one.  Plus, you want a diaper bag that your spouse or significant other will carry around.  With so many cool choices out there right now, why pick something that's embarrassing to look at a year later?

There are so many more things that society will try to trick you into buying.  But if you start with these six things, you'll be in a good position.

And now something completely adorable:

Mom Friends

I love the friends that I'm blessed to have in my life.  I have friends who are single and friends who are married but don't have any kids yet.  They provide a prospective on my life and my parenting skills that open my eyes to things I don't think about.

But there's just something about having mom friends.

Most of my mom friends have kids who are older than 2.0 or have more than one child and the second child may be younger than 2.0 is.  Some are single moms, some are married.  Some have kids close in age (barely a year apart!) and some have kids who are a few years apart.  Some are stay at home moms like I am and some are working moms.  Some are my age (or close to my age), some are older and some are younger than I am.  But they all are limitless fonts of information.

I've watched my mom friends soothe a crying baby with little to no effort.  I've seen them wrangle toddlers and preschool age kids without raising their voice.  I've seem them find things for their young kids to do that don't involve television.  I've seem them handle a temper tantrum with ease.  I've whined about sleepless nights (oh there have been sooooo many) and been warned that the nights of sleep are so completely over.  I've listened to remedies for colds and upset tummies and diaper rash.  I've talked with them about home schooling and reading and when to toilet train.

Every mom on the face of the earth needs mom friends.  Moms need a friendly face that will smile when you gush over how cool it is to see your infant roll over onto his tummy.  We need an understanding ear when we don't know how to handle colicky babies or just how long we are supposed to microwave the whole milk for our toddler to drink it.

My best mom friend is actually my mom.  She tells me stories of how she handled me as a baby (apparently I was a little difficult) and she listens when I don't know what to do.  I also have a message board I read often and post on to help out the other moms who don't know what to do when (fill in the blank) happens.

If you need mom friends, I suggest going to the library during story time.  They are all over the place.  Or try your local church.  A lot of my mom friends (or just friends in general) attend my church.  Ask around or post on a local message board.  But don't try to go it alone.  A mom cannot be an island.

Dealing With Serious Illness

It's never fun for a parent when a child is sick.  Whether that's a stomach bug or an ear infection or something as minor as the common cold, a sick kid, especially a young child who can't tell you how bad he feels, can equal days of whining, crying, and general unhappiness.

However a serious illness adds more to that unhappy equation.  It adds worry.

2.0 was diagnosed with RSV yesterday.  Thursday he had shown signs of SOB or shortness of breath.  He was having trouble catching his breath as he played and his chest was sucked in dramatically when he was trying to breathe.  He'd had a runny nose and some congestion that I was blaming on the dramatic change in the weather (hello 80 degrees!) and the lack of a working air conditioner in our apartment that doesn't have very good crosswinds (and holds heat like an oven but I digress).  So we kept him cool and made sure he was hydrated, figuring the problem would be fixed when the air conditioner was repaired.

Fast forward to Thursday night.  I put 2.0 down for bed around ten and he didn't stay there.  He woke up when he was laid down and started screaming for hours.  His face was red and he couldn't catch his breath at all.  I listened to his chest and heard wheezes, so I propped him up in his crib, turned the fan away from his face and down toward his feet, and prepared myself for a sleepless night.  He would only sleep when I was holding him propped up in my arms and finally around 530 in the morning, 2.0 calmed down enough to sleep in my bed wrapped in my arms and propped up on a pillow.

The breathing difficulties continued, effecting his appetite, and I called the doctor.  After watching him play in the exam room, the nurse practitioner decided he needed a nebulizer treatment and observed him again after it was over (he HATES that nebulizer).  His breathing was easier and he was much happier.  It all equaled a very serious illness, RSV.

Apparently RSV can kill a very young baby, leads to hospitalization in children under the age of 1, and is highly contagious.  My little boy is very sick and will be very sick for a few days to a week now.  The nurse said that if he had been three months younger, 2.0 would've been hospitalized with this.

I was given a nebulizer to use at home and 2.0 has to have albuterol treatments every 4-6 hours if he's wheezing (overnight he doesn't need the treatment but during the day he needs one every 4 hours right now).  His appetite has increased slightly and he's playing more.

I'm scared for my little man.  This could turn into permanent asthma, but I don't think it will.  I'm telling myself not to hover and just let him play.  But it's hard to leave your child to his normal routine when you know how sick he is.

At least we got some decent sleep last night.  That's always positive.

When The World Tells You How To Parent...

Without the support and love of other moms (including my own mom), I think I would've gone insane after 2.0 was born.  I read books about parenting.  I knew what to expect the first few weeks.  I was so prepared.  And then God laughed in my face.

Breastfeeding wasn't at all what the books said it would be.  We moved when 2.0 was just barely a week old (it was only across the hallway to a two bedroom apartment but it was still a move).  The sliding door on the van wouldn't close.  The exhaustion was so much more horrible than anyone had said it would be.  2.0 developed an umbilical granuloma (his umbilical cord didn't heal and fall off all the way).  I developed mastitis (which is so much more painful than anyone actually tells you) and my milk supply suffered because of it.  I also had postpartum depression.  The list goes on and on...

So in those first few months, I called my mom all the time.  I read more blogs, books, and message board posts about what to do and what other moms were experiencing.  But mostly I just winged it.  Breastfeeding got much easier.  We survived the move and the van door was repaired.  My body adjusted to the exhaustion.  The umbilical granuloma, mastitis, and postpartum depression were taken care of.  Slowly, I started needing less and less advice.

But the unwanted advice kept rolling in...

2.0 doesn't like wearing socks or shoes.  He likes to go completely barefoot all the time.  Regardless of whether there's snow on the ground or a windchill of 30 below, he doesn't want anything covering his feet.  So I was told, by complete strangers, over and over again that he needed socks on his feet and one lady actually asked me what kind of mother I was to let my son go outside barefoot in the middle of winter.  *arched eyebrow and sarcastically angry look inserted here*

I was told that I wasn't bundling my kid up enough.  I shouldn't let anyone else hold him during cold and flu season.  I shouldn't leave him in the nursery at church because the other kids will make him sick.  I didn't breastfeed long enough.  I can't give him egg yolks yet because he could have an allergy.  If I let him eat cheese now, he'll get fat.  I shouldn't let him play with the mardi gras beads from the New Year's Eve party at church because it's a choking hazard.  Since he couldn't say three words on purpose on his first birthday that he was going to be autistic, etc ad nauseum infinitum.

This is what I have to say to all the people who give new mothers unsolicited advice:  Go.  Away.

My kid isn't autistic because he can't say three words right now.  He's a boy.  The vocab skills in some boys develop later.  I can give him egg yolks before his first birthday because the whites cause allergies.  If he gets sick, he gets sick.  The world will go on.  Cheese won't make him fat.  If he wants to play with the beads from the party while supervised, that's fine.  He's warm enough.  Yes, I do spank him.

When I need help, I'll ask for it.  Otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself.

By the way, my son's socks are in the car.  You go find them if you think he needs them so badly.

Rethinking Birth Control

I haven't been feeling well lately.  I'm tired all the time (I really mean ALL THE TIME), headachy, needing to pee all the time, tender lady pillows (you know what those are), weepy, a little nauseous in the morning (not every single day and just a little), and I'm smelling things no one else in this house is smelling.  It's been freaky.

Especially since I had Mirena put in 6 weeks after 2.0 was born.  So pregnancy is not supposed to be an option.  99% effective is 99% effective.  So I'm ruling pregnancy out for now.  I had a hard enough time getting pregnant with 2.0 and my husband and I didn't use any kind of birth control for 5 years.  If I were to get pregnant on birth control now, after all that, I think I'd just laugh until my sides hurt and I had tears running down my face.

That means my Mirena is causing an issue.  I've googled Mirena and pregnancy symptoms and found that there are quite a few women who have pregnancy symptoms with Mirena and it means there's an issue with the IUD.  So I made an appointment with my OB/GYN to get my annual check up done and I think we're going to get the Mirena removed as well.  That means I have to rethink my birth control options until September.

I really don't want to take the Pill.  I hated the Pill.  It requires me to be more mindful of taking a pill every single day, I would have a period every month (with the Mirena, I haven't had one since October.  When you have endometriosis, that's a wonderful thing), and it would make any other weight loss impossible (not that I'm having an easy time losing the weight with the Mirena anyway).  I don't want the Depo shot.  I don't want implanon.  I'm married, so I refuse to use condoms (what does one have to do with the other?  I'm supposed to enjoy my marriage bed and with a condom, that just...doesn't happen).

So what's left?  Not much.

With all this in mind, my husband and I look at our wonderful son and all I can think is that I wouldn't mind another baby right now.  I doubt that we'll get pregnant right away anyway.

So many decisions.  I guess we'll just wait and see.

Disciplining 2.0

I always believed that once my son turned 2 that the 'terrible twos' would start.  This is not true.  Apparently, this starts as soon as he enters his second year, which means on his first birthday.  Or at least that's the case with my little guy.

Temper tantrums have started.  As soon as I pull him away from the dangerous activity that he's doing, he throws himself backward and starts to scream and cry.  It doesn't matter to him what direction he's facing when he throws himself down like this, so I've been butted in the face, teeth, and nose by the back of his head.  He also slipped out of my hands and ended up throwing himself down on the floor and banged his head against the carpet.  He's started screaming when he doesn't get what he wants and he goes to touch something he knows he shouldn't (like the now covered electrical outlets or Mommy's computer) and watches me get closer to tell him no before touching it as I get to him.

Thank goodness I read as much as I do.  I'm prepared for these tests of my boundaries.  I've read Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson.  I've also read The Way Of The Wild Heart by John Eldredge and It's A Boy by Dr. Michael Thompson .  I know that 2.0 is doing these things because it's normal for his development.  I know that I need to be consistent in my discipline and to make sure I'm not yelling at him or disciplining while angry.  I am a strong believer in spanking and I have used it.  I spank open handed on the covered bottom twice with a small amount of force.  It's to remind my son that he shouldn't do that, not to harm him.  Spanking has worked very well.  I also swat at his hands when he's touching something dangerous.  If 2.0 goes for the DVD rack (before it was toddlerproofed), he got his hand spanked because pulling on the DVD rack could result in serious injury and I wanted him to understand that he couldn't touch it.

I also know that this isn't personal toward me.  This actually has very little to do with me.  If 2.0 throws the rest of his banana on the floor and smiles and laughs, that's just part of learning that when he throws something on the floor, it stays down there until Coco eats it.  If he smacks the spoon with his oatmeal on it away and splatters it on the tray of his high chair or the floor, he isn't trying to make my life more difficult.  He's trying to assert his independence and he's getting frustrated.  That's understandable.

No one is perfect.  I drop the ball on my discipline sometimes.  I've disciplined angry.  I don't spank angry, but I've disciplined while upset.  I've been inconsistent with my discipline.  I've let 2.0 pull all the DVDs out from under the TV because I was too tired to get up and stop him, only to have the energy to stop him the next day and tell him no (which resulted in a temper tantrum and a headbutt to my nose).  But do I try to be consistent?  You bet I do.

If you have a little boy, I recommend the books I listed above.  They provide wonderful insights to the development and character of little boys.  Dr. Dobson applies his book on boys to all kids and talks about single moms and grandparents.  Dr. Thompson breaks down developmental milestones (such as this drive for independence) by age spans.  John Eldredge breaks down birth to death in the character of man in The Way Of The Wild Heart so that as a mom, I can understand what it means for my son to be my Beloved Son at this time in his life.  They are all wonderful books and deserve a read.

I know that my style of discipline will evolve and change as 2.0 gets older.  I know that I'm going to find things that work and things that don't.  I just have to be flexible and remind myself that this difficult time shall pass.

Thinking About #2

I'm going to be 32 this November.  Ten years ago, I thought I'd have three or four kids by now.  I certainly thought that when I got married at 24.  I didn't anticipate that I would have the kind of infertility problems I have had.  So the desire to have five or six kids had to be changed to hoping for three, maybe four.

After 2.0 was born, my husband and I decided that the best thing we could do was to go on birth control, so I had Mirena placed at my 6 week postpartum appointment.  When I had the Mirena placed, I felt really unsure about it.  I hadn't used birth control since my husband and I got married.  Now to use something to prevent pregnancy when we had tried for so long to have the one we have?  It just felt...odd.

But I didn't want back to back pregnancies.  I've read stories of women who gave birth and two or three months later got pregnant again.  I know a family with kids very close in age because of back to back pregnancies.  That would've been fine, but I just didn't know if I could handle breastfeeding one baby while carrying another.  Financially it was the smart decision as well.  We can barely afford the one child we have.  Why add another one to the mix?

Then another plan was hatched.  I will be going to school this summer to get my CNA license, which means I'll be able to find a job with better pay and benefits than what my husband currently has.  Plus, I'm planning to go to nursing school as soon as I can to get an even better job, followed by a bachelor's degree in nursing and certification as a nurse midwife.  That will mean security and stability for our family and I'll have a job that I love.  I'm so excited to finish it all!  On top of that, I'm still a writer.  The query letters are going out in the next week.  If my novels take off, we might just have money to pay for school outright.

The plan to leave the Mirena in until I finished school was abandoned.  Now, I'm getting the Mirena taken out in September, after I finish my CNA training this summer.  My husband and I realize that we only have about eight and a half years left to have a family.  When I turn 40, if I'm not pregnant, I will be having my tubes tied if I don't have to have a hysterectomy first (I have endometriosis and by the time I'm 40, my doctor thinks I'll be at the precancerous stage and will have to take my uterus).  Kids born to moms after they turn 40 have a higher risk of serious birth defects and other chromosomal problems.  I think it's best if I'm done at 40.

Knowing that I'm getting the Mirena taken out in September means that I'm starting to think about having two kids living here instead of one.  I'm just now starting to get more sleep at night.  Do I really want to go back to those newborn days of sleepless nights, leaky breasts and complete exhaustion?  Do I really want to try to deal with my toddler son while caring for a tiny baby too?  That's a lot to handle.

But then I look at my child and I know that he would love to have a sibling.  He'd grow up with the security of never being left alone when my husband and I are gone.  He'd always have a friend, someone who knew his parents like he did and remembers the same things.  He'd have family.

It would be worth it.  I survived it once already and actually was a little sad to see it go.  I miss the tiny baby I had but I love the toddler I have now.  I'd love to have that little baby again.  We'd make it work.  I'm excited about having one more.  If all I get is one more, then that's the best thing.