I'm going to be 32 this November. Ten years ago, I thought I'd have three or four kids by now. I certainly thought that when I got married at 24. I didn't anticipate that I would have the kind of infertility problems I have had. So the desire to have five or six kids had to be changed to hoping for three, maybe four.
After 2.0 was born, my husband and I decided that the best thing we could do was to go on birth control, so I had Mirena placed at my 6 week postpartum appointment. When I had the Mirena placed, I felt really unsure about it. I hadn't used birth control since my husband and I got married. Now to use something to prevent pregnancy when we had tried for so long to have the one we have? It just felt...odd.
But I didn't want back to back pregnancies. I've read stories of women who gave birth and two or three months later got pregnant again. I know a family with kids very close in age because of back to back pregnancies. That would've been fine, but I just didn't know if I could handle breastfeeding one baby while carrying another. Financially it was the smart decision as well. We can barely afford the one child we have. Why add another one to the mix?
Then another plan was hatched. I will be going to school this summer to get my CNA license, which means I'll be able to find a job with better pay and benefits than what my husband currently has. Plus, I'm planning to go to nursing school as soon as I can to get an even better job, followed by a bachelor's degree in nursing and certification as a nurse midwife. That will mean security and stability for our family and I'll have a job that I love. I'm so excited to finish it all! On top of that, I'm still a writer. The query letters are going out in the next week. If my novels take off, we might just have money to pay for school outright.
The plan to leave the Mirena in until I finished school was abandoned. Now, I'm getting the Mirena taken out in September, after I finish my CNA training this summer. My husband and I realize that we only have about eight and a half years left to have a family. When I turn 40, if I'm not pregnant, I will be having my tubes tied if I don't have to have a hysterectomy first (I have endometriosis and by the time I'm 40, my doctor thinks I'll be at the precancerous stage and will have to take my uterus). Kids born to moms after they turn 40 have a higher risk of serious birth defects and other chromosomal problems. I think it's best if I'm done at 40.
Knowing that I'm getting the Mirena taken out in September means that I'm starting to think about having two kids living here instead of one. I'm just now starting to get more sleep at night. Do I really want to go back to those newborn days of sleepless nights, leaky breasts and complete exhaustion? Do I really want to try to deal with my toddler son while caring for a tiny baby too? That's a lot to handle.
But then I look at my child and I know that he would love to have a sibling. He'd grow up with the security of never being left alone when my husband and I are gone. He'd always have a friend, someone who knew his parents like he did and remembers the same things. He'd have family.
It would be worth it. I survived it once already and actually was a little sad to see it go. I miss the tiny baby I had but I love the toddler I have now. I'd love to have that little baby again. We'd make it work. I'm excited about having one more. If all I get is one more, then that's the best thing.
It is worth it.
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