The Rise of the Internet; The Fall of Integrity

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.  I love being able to keep up with friends and family that don't live close to me and I'm sure that sometimes, they actually like to keep up with me (well 2.0 more than me).  I love playing games on Facebook when I'm trying to work on a novel and I can't seem to 'get in the zone' and write.  Occasionally there's an interesting article or video that catches my attention.  I love keeping up with my favorite athletic teams and of course, there's the fandoms I'm part of.  Who could live in the absence of Doctor Who updates and Hunger Games memes?  It breaks up the tedium of being home all the time sometimes.

The hate part of this relationship comes in the form of people taking text out of context and choosing to attack the character of the person posting because they can't read the context in which a post was written.  Right now someone is reading this blog post and thinking it's directed towards them and that I'm being passive aggressive and wondering why I didn't tell them I had a problem with them in the first place.  That's not what's happening here.  I'm simply commenting on something I've noticed for several years, ever since I was pregnant with 2.0 and visited a message board for the first time consistently.  I will be using that message board on the What To Expect website as the example in this post (it was the March 2011 board which is now listed under the Toddler section).

My pregnancy with 2.0 was my first that ended in a healthy baby.  I had symptoms that I didn't want to bother my obgyn with and wondered if other women were experiencing at the same time in their pregnancy too.  So I hopped on a message board and almost instantly regretted it.  Why?  Let me answer a question with a question: Have you ever heard of a troll?

A troll is someone who starts drama needlessly and then perpetrates the drama until someone in the discussion thread calls them out for being a troll.  Then this drama addict goes to the next board and starts the same stuff over again.  We could also possibly call these people catfish if they are perpetrating fraud online.  I've seen that too on the same website.  Trolls like to go into a pregnancy message board and drop bombs like 'circumcision', 'abortion', and 'government assistance' in posts and then watch the fur fly.  I'm sure there have been enough complaints about this on regular boards that someone started one called Hot Topics, where trolls hang out for a little while before spreading their venom on the next group.

I got caught on one of these discussion threads when I was about seven and a half months pregnant.  I was told that it was better for me to pay $10 a month on a $20000 hospital bill than go on medicaid (please feel free to do the math and see that my grand kids would still be paying for my son's birth if I stuck to that plan).  On a side note, I had medicaid when 2.0 was born and he is still covered by medicaid because no matter how many hours Nate and I worked for our employer, said employer refused to offer health insurance to us and we didn't make enough money to purchase our own privately.  The thread got so toxic that I pulled out of the board and didn't go back for almost three weeks.  I probably would never have returned if one of the women on the thread hadn't messaged me privately through the website and asked me to look at the thread to see how many other women were defending me.  The troll was kicked out and I went back in.

 Slowly I have watched posts that were intended to be personal reflections on life get taken so far out of context that the person offended turned it into a personal attack on their beliefs.  That person isn't my friend anymore and I don't know what went wrong.  I wasn't even thinking about her at the time I wrote the post.  I was just thinking.  That's why it smells like bacon over here.  

If a comment or a post or a message or whatever it is online offends you, that might be the time to ask yourself what it is that gets your back up so much.  Is the person wrong?  Sometimes that's the case.  Is it worth commenting?  Probably not.  You'll just end up creating needless drama and if the person is really your friend, can't you agree to disagree and move on with life?  I'm pretty sure the other person already did that and when they posted that thing that offended you so much, you weren't even a blip on their radar.  Don't feed the trolls.  Don't be that person.

You have a choice online.  You can choose to read stuff or you can choose to ignore it and move on.  No one is holding a gun to your head and making you read stuff you don't agree with.  No one is deliberately posting derogatory stuff on Facebook about your profession or your religion or your political beliefs or the color of your underwear to make you mad.  In the end, your mother told you that if you can't say something nice that you should keep your darned mouth shut.  This applies to your fingers and your phone, tablet, and computer.  If you can't respond with something nice or constructive, keep your opinion to yourself.

Parental Impact

I must say that I think I've been watching entirely too many reruns of Criminal Minds lately.  I've been catching up on the series through reruns because the show is entirely too graphic and inappropriate for 2.0 to even catch a glimpse of and as the show comes on Wednesday nights at 8 and 2.0's bedtime has been between 830 and 930...well you get the picture.

During his nap this afternoon, I was watching three episodes, one of which is an all time favorite of mine and two from this past season that I hadn't been able to watch all the way through without interruption.  I didn't realize I had picked three episodes with similar themes until after 2.0 got up and I had to turn it off.

All three episodes involved serial killers who evolved due to extreme abuse, one from a grandmother after his mother died giving birth to him, one from a mother who abused him because he was born deaf, and the last from a father after the son admitted he was gay.  These poor kids were humiliated, starved, beaten, sexually assaulted, verbally abused, and emotionally decimated.  All three kids went to jail after killing several people and one committed suicide before going back to jail after escaping.  Can you see why 2.0 doesn't watch this show?

As I watched each episode, I started to think about my role as a mother.  If, as my son's mom, I tell him that he is worthless and reinforce that opinion with actions that repeat the same, he will grow up believing that he is worthless.  If I were to starve him and humiliate him, he would grow to resent and eventually hate me for what I was doing to him.  Whether he would turn into a serial killer is unknown.  Some adults who grew up in situations like this have not turned out that way.  I think of Dave Pelzer, author of A Child Called It (read this book and the two that follow it only if you can stand reading about graphically described instances of severe child abuse).  He went through horrible abuse and he's not a serial killer, at least as far as I know.  Instead, he has taken his own personal tragedy and turned it into a motivational moment.

I want to be perfectly clear.  I would NEVER abuse or humiliate my son.  I would NEVER EVER treat him as if he is worthless.  I don't know a single mother who would actually do that to her children.

But what does my behavior tell my son?

Is he able to believe the words that I say to him because my actions speak the same things to him?  I like to think I get that part right about 95% of the time.  I like to think that he knows that I would do anything for him and that he is precious to me.  I like to believe that I show him the right way to go in life by the deeds I do.  I do realize that I miss the mark and that I miss it by quite a lot sometimes.

As parents, I don't think we realize truly what an impact we have on our kids.  If we did, I think we would be absolutely petrified of the things we do and the words we say.  You see, 2.0 sees me get angry at the driver who just cut me off in traffic.  He hears the words I say when no one else is around to hear them.  He sees my frustration and confusion and impatience.  He learns how to handle such things from my behavior, not from my direction when he faces similar situations.

Tonight I held my son closer because I want him to know I love him.  I didn't let myself get distracted as easily because I want him to know he's important to me.  Now I'm going to read to him because I want to him to know that I value the written word and he should to.

What impact are you leaving?

The Reasoning Behind Home Education

When I was in middle school, I noticed one girl in band class who wasn't there for the rest of the school day and I didn't understand why she wasn't there the rest of the time.  Did she have some kind of horrible disease?  Was she a grade ahead of me and I didn't know it?  Maybe she had all the same classes I had but at a different time.  Or she was a Special Ed student and she had the rest of her classes in another building.  When I asked some of the other kids in class who she was, I was told in very hushed tones that she was homeschooled.  Oh the horror, for this was 1993 and no one was homeschooled unless you were a religious weirdo, sick to the point of death if you were around other kids or so troubled that you'd been kicked out of every other school and that was the only option left for you.

I ended up going to church with this girl and her family for a couple of years and I discovered that she was not only very smart and kind and funny, but that she was completely normal.  Her parents weren't strange, she wasn't sick and she wasn't troubled.  Her parents simply believed they could provide her with a better education at home than she would receive in the public school system.  Except for band class as neither of them played an instrument and this young lady wanted to play the flute more than just about anything.

Fast forward twenty years and homeschooling is starting to become the norm instead of the exception.  I know more homeschooled kids now than I ever have.  The internet is making school more accessible from home than it ever has been before.  More and more states are beginning to offer online K-12 as an alternative to attending a physical campus.  I wish it had been this easy to homeschool when I was in school because I would've begged to stay home instead of face the African Savanna that was high school.  I hated watching weak kids being picked off like sick wildebeests by the popular lions and cheetahs.  It was sickening.

2.0 will be homeschooled.  This was not a decision that Nate and I came to lightly.  We talked about our children's education before we even thought we'd have children to educate.  You see, Nate has an IQ of 165 and mine is 155, both of which are firmly planted in the genius IQ range (140 and over is considered genius level).  If 2.0 has a high IQ like we do, then public school will be horribly boring for him.  

That being said, Nate has ADD and is dyslexic, not to mention the vision problems he has as a result of his keratoconus (click here for more info on keratoconus).  Those conditions made school difficult for Nate.  While he attends college, he has to have accommodations made so he can learn in spite of his issues.  Not all public schools have the funding to meet the needs of students who have special needs like that.  While homeschooling, Nate and I can meet those needs and tailor 2.0's education to fit him.  

If 2.0 excels in one area but falls behind in another, we can spend more time on what he has trouble with over an extended period of time and still offer more advanced material to him in the areas he excels in.  I was horrible with math but excelled in English, literature, and science.  For all I know, my son may excel in those same areas as well.

Homeschooling also provides us with the opportunity to teach our son what we want him to know.  I don't want my son learning about condoms when he's seven.  I don't want him to learn an abbreviated version of history because the teacher doesn't want to discuss the civil rights movement or is uncomfortable talking about the Nazis.  I want my son to learn how to mend a torn hem on his jeans and I want him to learn how to change the oil on the car he's driving without taking time away from the rest of his studies.

Most of all, I want to spend time with my child.  I'm not saying that parents who send their kids to public school don't want to spend time with their kids.  I'm saying that I want to spend more time with my son.  I want to help open the world up for him, not ship him off to another place so someone else gets the privilege of handing him the world and explaining it to him.  I'm not sending him to daycare.  Why would I send him off to school?

Homeschooling is not for everyone.  Some parents aren't able to do it and some parents simply shouldn't do it.  If homeschooling isn't for you, that's fine.  Isn't there enough criticism of parents nowadays?  There's nothing wrong with public schools.  I simply want to educate my son at home.  

Someday though, he may step foot in a public school.  After all, I'm a horrible artist and I haven't played my clarinet in over a decade.  If 2.0 wants to play an instrument or take an art class or play a sport, he just might have to do what that girl did in my band class twenty years ago and take the class with other kids.  

The Library Incident

I haven't been feeling well for about a week now.  I've been really tired, sick to my stomach, and having headaches and heartburn off and on.  I've been irritable and a little short tempered with my husband and son.  I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm simply passing some information along that may help you, as the reader, understand some of the peripherals.

I took 2.0 to the library today because we needed to get out of the house for a little bit.  Last week his allergies made his life unpleasant and had to stay inside pretty much all the time.  I think he was going a little stir crazy and I thought the fresh air would energize me a little bit.

The branch of the library that we go to just put in a table with duplos in the children's section and 2.0 loves those duplos.  He throws a horrible fit when it's time to leave and I was hoping that today would be an exception.  Sadly it wasn't.  He threw himself down on the floor when I tried to get him to leave with me and hit his head on the edge of the table on his way down.  I had to scoop him up and walk patiently to the bathroom while he screamed his head off.

Once in the bathroom I was able to calm him down, but when I wouldn't let him walk out of the bathroom on his own, the crying and screaming started again.  I let him cry it out for a moment and went to leave the bathroom.

He started wailing and screaming again, which necessitated my hasty checkout and brisk pace to the van in the parking lot.  I've never had him react this way in public.  Normally once he calms down, the fit is over.  Today he kept screaming in the car as I strapped him into the car seat and halfway home.  I told him that once we got home he was getting a spanking and going into time out because his behavior was inappropriate and he knew better.

I carried him inside and we went directly to his bedroom, where I sat him down on his changing table and started taking off his shoes.  Immediately, 2.0 started saying "I sorry Mommy.  I sorry threw fit library Mommy."
Once I got his shoes off, I leaned down and looked him in the eye.  "What else are you sorry for Nathan?"
"I sorry for scream Mommy.  I sorry for fit Mommy."
"Will you do it again?"
He looked at me and in all seriousness said "Yes.  Probably."

He was so cute and sincere that I almost didn't spank him.  Almost.

He threw another fit later in the evening and once I picked him up, started apologizing immediately.  When he started climbing on me like I'm some sort of human jungle gym, I lost my cool and yelled at him to stop.  I hate raising my voice if I don't have to and I saw his poor little face fall because he hadn't done anything wrong.  Now it was time for me to be a good example.

I picked him up and carried him to his bedroom again.  He started crying on the way there; probably because he thought he was in trouble.  I sat in his rocking chair and cuddled him close.  "I'm sorry baby.  I'm sorry that I yelled at you.  You weren't doing anything wrong and I lost my temper.  I'm sorry that I lost my temper Nathan.  Can you forgive Mommy?"

Wouldn't you know that my sweet little boy looked at me, smiled, and said "yes".

I'm not proud of my behavior.  I didn't act like an adult, let alone a caring loving mother.  I still felt it was important to show 2.0 that when Mommy doesn't act right, Mommy apologizes.  Then he knows it's not just something he has to do to get out of being disciplined.  He knows that mommies have to apologize too.

The Joy Of A Boy

I read an article in People magazine about celebrity moms and the little boys they are raising that made me start thinking about my own little boy.  I love being his mom.  Regardless of how many times we've been up in the night (it was only once last night!) or how horrible he behaves in the store (stop that RIGHT NOW or you won't get to ride the Batmobile) or how many bite marks I have on my shoulder from temper tantrums (the last one just healed up and we haven't had a new one in about a week).

When I found out I was pregnant, I was certain that I was having a boy.  I pulled out my copies of Bringing Up Boys and The Way Of The Wild Heart and started reading.  I read about disciplining a boy and the Beloved Son stage of a boy's life.  I read about the different needs that boys have from their mothers and their fathers and how to see the world through the eyes of a little boy.  The week before my 22 week ultrasound, I was so desperate for a son that I convinced myself that I was having a girl and allowed myself to grieve for the loss of my hopes and dreams.  Imagine my delight when I found out I was indeed carrying a precious little boy!

2.0 is a warm light in my life.  He's like a shaft of sunshine coming through the window on a cloudy morning.  He's brightness and warmth and a call to rise from the comfort of my life before him.  I can't remember what life was like before 2.0 was here.  He's a ball of energy that curls up with me on the couch to watch Wreck It Ralph.  He screams and bites and throws temper fits when he doesn't understand what's going on or why he can't have what he wants right now.  Once it's over, he's a teary eyed cuddlebug that falls asleep on my shoulder after whispering "I sorry Mommy" in my ear.

I'm a better person because of my son.  He pushes me and stretches me and challenges me every single day. I have to remember to be the adult and to keep my cool instead of losing my temper when he has a fit.  I've had to become selfless in a way I never thought possible because what I want doesn't matter but what he needs sure does.  I don't sleep through the night anymore.  There's a little warm body that crawls into my bed and curls up next to me with his blankie clenched in his fist as he falls asleep with my arms around him.

Raising a boy is the greatest joy I've ever had.  I see my husband become a better man as a father.  I watch 2.0 explore the world and I see everything differently because he's seeing it for the first time.  We get dirty and we play with cars and duplos and everything has superhero insignias or a Green Bay Packer logo on it.  2.0 knows who Captain America, Iron Man, Spiderman, Thor, Superman, and Batman are.  He also knows how to count to 10 and knows his letters from A to J.

I would love to have a daughter some day.  I'm thankful that I had a son first.

A Miracle On Happy Joe Drive

Most of us have no idea how much of an impact our actions have on someone else.  We just coast through our day and don't give another thought to the clothes we've donated or the money we gave or the simple smile we had on our face while thanking the cashier at the grocery store.  We just move from task to task, sometimes wondering if we'll ever do something more with our lives than pick up toys and change diapers.

This morning, I was at the Women's Choice Center.  I've already written about the center and what they do. I've already written about the needs they have and the impact having just one of those needs met in a small way has.  While I was volunteering today, I saw that impact first hand.

A woman came, distraught and on the verge of tears.  She asked if we had any size 5 diapers.  That is a size that doesn't last long at the Women's Choice Center because of the great need.  We had a single diaper in a size 5 and I brought it to her.  This woman had lost so much just this morning and to protect her privacy I'm going to keep those details to myself.  When we had to tell her that we didn't have anymore diapers in size 5 beyond the one in my hand, she broke down sobbing.  

Vicki, the executive director of the Women's Choice Center, is a licensed counselor and she comforted this woman, helping her go through what her options were and what her next steps had to be.  I felt so helpless as there was nothing I could offer to this woman to make everything better.  So I prayed.  I prayed that God would meet her needs and give her hope.  

Then the door opened and in walked a woman with a small child, a little boy who couldn't be more than 4 years old.  She carried a package of diapers and some swim diapers and brought them to me, looking at the woman who was sobbing with compassion in her eyes.  I got out a receipt for her donation and then I looked at the size of diapers she'd brought in so I could complete the inventory.  

They were a size 5.

I placed them on the counter for Vicki and she looked at them, then at me and asked what those were for.  I told her simply that they were a size 5 and for the woman who still sat wiping her tears.  She broke down again, this time in grateful sobs.

The woman who was donating the diapers didn't just leave with her receipt.  She stayed a moment, wrapping her arms around this crying woman and hugged her close, whispering prayers to her.  She took her son to the car and waited until this woman left, just to make sure she would be okay.  All of us in the center could've been knocked over with a feather.  God had arrived when He was desperately needed.

You never know what kind of an impact your actions have.  Those clothes you donated could be the answer to a homeless person's prayer.  Those diapers could give a mother peace and the ability to send her child to daycare so she can work to provide for them both.  That smile might just have convinced that cashier that  there really are nice people out there and change her complete outlook on the rest of her day.  

If you ever think you aren't doing important things, I ask you to read this post again and change your mind.  

Potty Training Time

2.0 is really good about telling me when he needs his diaper changed.  He's been doing that for about five months but until recently, he hasn't had the muscle control for potty training.  When he started telling his Sunday school teachers that he needs his diaper changed or that he wants to go to the potty, it became obvious that 2.0 is ready to be a big boy and get out of his diapers.

As a first time mom, this part of toddlerhood is unknown to me.  I've read books which pretty much contradict each other and are of no help at all.  I've read about positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement (which I didn't really care for), the three day method (another one I didn't really care for), and self guided toilet training.  My head felt like it would lift off my shoulders and float away after all of this.

I have to figure out what 2.0 needs to be successful at potty training.  Thank goodness he's had friends in his Sunday school class to guide him, and by proxy me, to what will work for him.  Here's a list of some of my discoveries:

• The Potty Seat: 2.0's first glimpse of potty training came from a little boy named Thomas in his Sunday school class.  2.0 was a year old and watched Thomas pick up his potty seat, go to the teacher, and tell her that he needed to go to the bathroom.  When Thomas went to the preschool class, 2.0 was beside himself, but thankfully there were other kids that did the exact same thing.  When we looked at potties, 2.0 wanted nothing to do with a stand alone potty chair.  Instead, he wanted a potty seat.
• A Potty Schedule: The one thing I read that I really liked was the idea of taking the child to the bathroom immediately upon waking and every hour afterward.  If I wait for 2.0 to let me know that he needs to go to the potty then it's too late.  If I let him pee in his pull up and feel the cold sensation, it's too late.  But if I take him on a schedule, then he knows he only has to hold it for a short time.  Of course I'll take him if he needs to go and it's not on the schedule.  The schedule makes my life easier when we are out running errands.
• Pull ups By Day and Diaper By Night: 2.0 doesn't sleep well as it is.  Why on earth would I wake him up to go to the potty when I just want him to get some sleep?  During the day I have his attention and he's more likely to learn what I'm trying to teach him.  Plus, the amount of muscle control needed to make it through the night is significantly more than during the day.  Let's take little steps instead of expecting big things from such a small bladder.
• Positive Reinforcement: I was given M&Ms when I was potty training.  2.0 loves Dum Dum suckers.  That's an easy one.
• Underwear Is The Ultimate Reward And Then Some: 2.0 will get to pick out his own underwear when he's ready for it.  I plan on making that a big deal.  I want to take him to Monkey Joes and out for pizza so that he understands how big of a step he's made.  No more diapers should be celebrated right?
• Planning For Setbacks: I know this isn't going to be perfect.  I know that it might take a long time.  I'm planning for issues and setbacks now so that mentally I won't be frustrated when they happen.  I know that I'm going to need pads to keep his sheets dry and I know he's going to need extra clothes because of accidents.  I have to keep my cool so that I don't end up giving negative reinforcement with my attitude.

I'm so excited for this new step and I hope that this works out well.