I must say that I think I've been watching entirely too many reruns of Criminal Minds lately. I've been catching up on the series through reruns because the show is entirely too graphic and inappropriate for 2.0 to even catch a glimpse of and as the show comes on Wednesday nights at 8 and 2.0's bedtime has been between 830 and 930...well you get the picture.
During his nap this afternoon, I was watching three episodes, one of which is an all time favorite of mine and two from this past season that I hadn't been able to watch all the way through without interruption. I didn't realize I had picked three episodes with similar themes until after 2.0 got up and I had to turn it off.
All three episodes involved serial killers who evolved due to extreme abuse, one from a grandmother after his mother died giving birth to him, one from a mother who abused him because he was born deaf, and the last from a father after the son admitted he was gay. These poor kids were humiliated, starved, beaten, sexually assaulted, verbally abused, and emotionally decimated. All three kids went to jail after killing several people and one committed suicide before going back to jail after escaping. Can you see why 2.0 doesn't watch this show?
As I watched each episode, I started to think about my role as a mother. If, as my son's mom, I tell him that he is worthless and reinforce that opinion with actions that repeat the same, he will grow up believing that he is worthless. If I were to starve him and humiliate him, he would grow to resent and eventually hate me for what I was doing to him. Whether he would turn into a serial killer is unknown. Some adults who grew up in situations like this have not turned out that way. I think of Dave Pelzer, author of A Child Called It (read this book and the two that follow it only if you can stand reading about graphically described instances of severe child abuse). He went through horrible abuse and he's not a serial killer, at least as far as I know. Instead, he has taken his own personal tragedy and turned it into a motivational moment.
I want to be perfectly clear. I would NEVER abuse or humiliate my son. I would NEVER EVER treat him as if he is worthless. I don't know a single mother who would actually do that to her children.
But what does my behavior tell my son?
Is he able to believe the words that I say to him because my actions speak the same things to him? I like to think I get that part right about 95% of the time. I like to think that he knows that I would do anything for him and that he is precious to me. I like to believe that I show him the right way to go in life by the deeds I do. I do realize that I miss the mark and that I miss it by quite a lot sometimes.
As parents, I don't think we realize truly what an impact we have on our kids. If we did, I think we would be absolutely petrified of the things we do and the words we say. You see, 2.0 sees me get angry at the driver who just cut me off in traffic. He hears the words I say when no one else is around to hear them. He sees my frustration and confusion and impatience. He learns how to handle such things from my behavior, not from my direction when he faces similar situations.
Tonight I held my son closer because I want him to know I love him. I didn't let myself get distracted as easily because I want him to know he's important to me. Now I'm going to read to him because I want to him to know that I value the written word and he should to.
What impact are you leaving?
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