Last week was wretched. There's no other word for it. Well, yes in fact there are other words for it and since I'm a writer, I can think of a few. Abysmal, miserable, deplorable, poor, scummy, woeful.
I've been through some horrible things in the past and managed to keep my head about me. But last week it all just piled up and piled up until I simply couldn't take anymore and I lost all hope. I just wanted to curl up in a dark room and sing happy songs to myself all day. Or something else equally crazy.
Nate applied for a better job that he didn't get. We had to deal with bills we didn't have the money to pay. It just looked horribly bleak.
Add to that the loss of another pregnancy as I had what I believe was a chemical pregnancy. Talk about a let down. You see (or in my case kind of see) a second line on a pregnancy test and then suddenly there's only one again and you know what's coming. I've been here a couple of times. I knew what to expect.
I just couldn't stand anymore stress or loss. I couldn't handle rejection. I needed something to break and it didn't.
The disappointment continued to the weekend and I'm still a little depressed this week. Things are just not going the way we'd hoped and prayed they would. It's very easy (especially in this heat with no A/C in the van) to just sit inside and wallow. Instead of wallowing though, I started knitting.
While I knit, I pray.
While I pray, I find comfort.
When I find comfort, I find the strength to keep going the next day.
It also helps to have friends who can look at you and say "your attitude really stinks and you need to change it". I have friends like that and I'm thankful for them. :)
So I'm going to keep knitting. I have a monster I'm knitting for a certain little boy who smiles at me and says "mama" just when I need to hear it.
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