I'm a part of the club no one wants to be a member of. I've watched the candle being blown out too soon. I've had dreams squashed and seen potential fade away before it truly even began. I've lost children and I think I can now be very frank about what happened.
In April of 2002, I experienced an unforgivable trauma that resulted in my first pregnancy. I knew from the time I saw the plus sign on the test that something was very wrong and I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. The circumstances of that child's conception were not the fault of the child and I'm very prolife, so I didn't consider terminating the pregnancy. I just didn't know how I would raise a child in the midst of what I was dealing with. God knew better than I did and that child went to heaven when I was 6 weeks pregnant.
December of 2007 was a much different circumstance and a much more joyful conception. Nate and I were thrilled when we found out. Just as we were about to tell our families and friends about our wonderful news, our pregnancy ended at 11 weeks. I was devastated, feeling like I was looking at my dream house wiped out by a tornado and leaving me with not even a foundation. Wouldn't you know my miscarriage happened the day before Valentine's Day? I was completely broken.
Now, keep in mind that when I was eighteen I had been told I would never have children of my own. I was starting to believe I would be able to get pregnant and never give birth.
Then suddenly I had my miracle. Just like sunlight through a hole in the clouds, my son arrived. I have found that there's nothing more wonderful than him. He is proof that God is good and God is faithful. I prayed, sometimes so angry with God that I couldn't understand why I was even speaking to Him, and I received exactly what I asked for. Right down to the color of his eyes and the sweet temperance of his personality; he is completely and totally what I begged God for.
After 2.0 was born, I immediately started asking God for another. I had to wait 5 years for a child to survive. I wanted to put my next five years in as quickly as possible. Nate and I were blessed with another child...for a little while.
In June of this year, I took a pregnancy test and got another positive. I was so excited and yet in a state of complete disbelief. How could it have happened so quickly after so much heartache and pain? Was it really possible that I could become pregnant again with such little effort?
A week after our big fat positive, my period arrived. Another loss.
I had a chemical pregnancy in June. Basically the fertilized egg didn't implant correctly in the uterus (sorry for the technical terms. If you feel 'icky' about reading the word uterus then I urge you to have your attack of the willies and move on now) and the egg was lost. But when you believe in life at conception, like I do, that is a child that didn't survive. It's still heartbreaking to think about what could've been and what won't be.
I have three little ones in heaven. I believe I will see them again and that God holds them in His hands. I also know that I'm not alone in my losses. There are women out there who will never know my pain, but they can imagine it. There are women who know my pain many more times over. It's something that, as a mother, I never want to experience again and I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I now choose to look at it all in a better light. I ovulated. That's a miracle in and of itself with my medical condition (google PCOS if you want more information). I'm getting healthy now and trying to make my life better.
If you've lost a child, please understand that you aren't alone. There are so many women in this world who understand exactly how you feel. You may not want to be part of this club, but you have lots of sisters who will hold your hand and cry with you when you need us and we will rejoice with you when you finally get that baby in your arms.
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