Last week I finished my thirteenth year of sobriety. It was a milestone for me and I'm very proud of myself. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the support of wonderful friends, a strong family, and a very patient and amazing husband.
While I was doing drugs and drinking until I fell over, I never wondered how my past addictive behavior would affect my children. I didn't plan on having any. I really and truly didn't think I'd live to see the ripe old age of twenty-one. I guess the joke was on me.
Once I knew I was pregnant with 2.0, I realized that my addictive behavior came with a price. I'm still paying it right now as I sit here and type this post.
After ten years of sobriety, I probably didn't need to tell my obgyn that I'd had a substance abuse problem. I did anyway. I probably didn't need to tell the nurses in labor and delivery that I'd had a problem before either. But in the midst of my contractions, I told them. One of the issues a mom with a past addiction has to deal with is understanding that even though she hasn't used or drank in years, the hospital will test her newborn for drugs and alcohol. Just in case. 2.0 tested negative, of course.
The biggest struggle I face is in pain management. After giving birth and having stitches, I was sore. I was offered percocet (a narcotic pain killer) and I had to tell my postpartum nurses about my past and to please never offer me narcotics. So I had to manage on 800 mg of ibuprofen every 6 hours. If the pain was worse before that 6 hour mark, I had to grit my teeth and make it through without it.
Anytime I have a sprained ankle, pulled muscle, or minor surgery in the ER (which I did have on Sunday), I have to tell the medical professional taking care of me about the past. I was only an addict for about four years and have been sober over three times that long, but I still have to live like I just stopped using yesterday.
The other struggle I have is knowing that my child is predisposed to repeat my behavior. He might have a harder time saying no to drugs and alcohol because I said yes. It was not the legacy I wanted to pass on to my son or any other children I may have. Knowing this makes it easier to fight it. Knowing what to look for makes it easier to spot the warning signs that my son might be using as a teenager, before he becomes addicted as an adult. He may not have a problem with drugs or alcohol at all. That's what I pray for.
The bad decisions we make early in life have consequences even beyond our youth. I wish I'd believed that when I was younger. But I definitely will work hard to make sure that my son doesn't pay for my mistakes and I thank God that I'm not defined by that behavior anymore.
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