In Which We Talk About Mental Illness

In the wake of Friday's devastating massacre of innocent people and the knowledge that the shooter was mentally ill, I feel a need to be very frank.  I simply want to share some very personal information with you and hopefully change the way you see mental illness and its treatment in this country.

I have a condition called Conversion Disorder.  I think I've talked about it before.  I had paralysis in one hand while in high school and went blind in my right eye for three days with no medical explanation.  The paralysis I experienced is actually medically impossible with the way the nerves are laid out in the body.  Both conditions are classic examples of Conversion Disorder.

I had a drug and alcohol problem in high school and once I was clean (going on 14 years now), I was brutally raped and went through an episode of domestic violence when I was 21 that lasted about 5 months. However, my seizures started before that.

I had EEGs and MRIs and CT scans.  I was looked at by neurologist after neurologist with no explanation for the 7-12 seizures I was having some days.  I'd wake up with bruises and have no idea how they happened.  Finally a neurologist at the University of Wisconsin hospital in Madison was very blunt with me and my mom.  The seizures were psychosomatic and indicative of a deeper mental illness.  I went to see a clinical psychologist who discovered what was causing the seizures and helped me find a way to stop them.  Through hypnotherapy and counseling, I was finally about to be very open about the trigger and could finally express my grief.  After my domestic violence experience, my family watched for the return of the seizures but they stayed away because I was able to control them and worked with a counselor to understand what had happened to me.

On the way to the rehearsal dinner, the night before I got married, I had a seizure in the car.  Thankfully my fiance (my husband now) was prepared for it and handled it with grace and understanding.  I now only have a seizure maybe three times a year.

I'll bet you didn't know that did you?  I'll bet you can't look at me and tell that I have this condition.  You probably wouldn't know my husband has adult ADD either.

Mental illness isn't something you can see.  Those of us with it aren't wearing signs around our necks to declare our condition.  In fact, for most of us, the conditions we have are hard to explain.  Some of us require medication to help us.  Others, like myself, required intense therapy and alternative therapeutic methods to control our conditions.

I'm not a threat to myself or anyone else.  The seizures I have now occur only when I'm sleeping.  I'm safe to drive, to care for my child, and to teach my students in Sunday school and be an active member of my community.

The tragedy in Connecticut was awful and sad and I've heard so much talk about mental illness and gun control.  We're all looking for someone to blame and the shooter took his own life.  We have no one alive to blame.  Sometimes we just need to accept what is.  This was a horrible tragedy.  If we could go back in time and change it, I have absolutely no doubt that we would.  But we simply can't.  Now we have to mourn with those who mourn and hold our children tight.

We also need to be compassionate to those who suffer with a condition they may not even understand.  Not all people who have some form of mental illness are dangerous.  We just have a condition that requires care. It's no different than diabetes or heart disease.  Our doctors are just different.