Taming The Temper Tantrum

In the past four months I've noticed some changes in my sweet-tempered little boy.  He's not so sweet all the time anymore.  At seemingly random times he starts screaming and throwing himself down on the floor or just has crying fits that last about fifteen minutes or so.  He doesn't ask for things so much as he demands them and when I don't move fast enough, or deny him altogether, he starts screeching and screaming again.  The thing that bothers me the most is the willful refusal to obey when I tell him to do something or, as his father and I are noticing more often, his refusal to NOT do something.  

Welcome to the Terrible Twos.

I'm embarrassed at his public displays of displeasure and I'm afraid of becoming one of those parents who just can't seem to get a handle on her child's awful behavior.  I also don't want to be the mom who is pushing her cart through the aisles, ignoring the screaming red-faced toddler flailing in the front of the cart next to her purse.  I've gone in search of answers.

Most of the books I've seen are just horrible and I won't even bother to name them.  I found myself back with Dr. Dobson and Bringing Up Boys.  It was nice to have a simple reminder of what gentle loving discipline is like as my son's temperament changes.  Underneath this frustrated toddler exterior lies a sweet, soft, gentle heart.  

Nate and I are spanking parents.  A firm hand applied to the rear end can redirect a tantrum and serves as a reminder that certain behavior is never tolerated.  Spanking keeps us consistent in the rules we've established and translate universally from Mommy to Daddy.  We do not spank with anything other than an open hand and we never spank in anger or frustration.  We also explain to 2.0 why he got the spanking.

Spanking doesn't always help a temper tantrum however.  Sometimes it just makes it worse.  So it was time to move on to another solution.

While holding my son during one of his tantrums, I came to a rather obvious conclusion.  He's not mad at me and he's not mad at his father.  He's not really mad at all.  He's very frustrated.

What if I could see what I wanted on a surface higher than I could reach and wanted to ask for help but couldn't speak so that I was easily understood?  What if the repeated fumbling attempts of my caretakers made that frustration worse?  How would I express that frustration?  I might start screaming for what I wanted and I just might throw myself on the floor and if I couldn't find a way to express my desires in the first place, well I just might start crying for no apparent reason and sob for a little while until I felt better.

So I started redirecting his tantrum.  Instead of having him focus on what he can't do or can't have, I show him something he can do.  I get quiet instead of screaming back at him and Nate and I have taught him a song about patience.  When we tell him in the store or in the car that he needs to have patience, we've noticed that he starts singing that song and suddenly it's better for a little while.  I put my arms around him when the fit gets bad and I hold him tight until he's able to control himself.  Through it all, I remind him that I love him, but that his behavior is inappropriate and he needs to calm down.

Surprisingly this works.  Not just sometimes.  It works all the time for him.  I've never had to leave a store because of my screaming kiddo.  I've never had to spank him in public.  I only have to redirect or get very quiet.  Then as quickly as it came, the tantrum passes.  

I've also noticed that I have to be highly observant of naptime.  But that's for another post.